Repentance
by DiTab1
Summary: One Shot. Set during In My Time of Dying. Here are my interpretations of what is going through John's head while sitting at Dean's bedside.  R&R Welcome and encouraged!  Enjoy.


Repentance

**A/N: Set during In My Time of Dying. Here are my interpretations of what is going through John's head while sitting at Dean's bedside. **

**Disclaimer: As usual, the boys and their father belong to Kripke and the CW. The angst, while motivated by them, is purely mine. **

There's nothing really I can say to you. I can only sit here and pray that you will open your eyes. The doctors don't think you will ever wake up. They don't know you like I do. They don't know how strong you are. They don't know everything you have been through, and survived. This is just one more bump in your road son. I swear to you, you will open your eyes, you will get out of that bed and you will be there when the final battle comes.

I keep trying to figure out how we ended up here. So much of it seems like a blur. That night… when we lost your mother… I died that night. There was nothing I wanted more than to stay in that room and give myself to that fire, to stay with her. She was my everything; I lived and breathed to see her smile. I hope that someday you will know that feeling.

If it hadn't been for you and your brother I wouldn't be here now. But I knew, in my heart, even in the worst moment of my life, that she would never forgive me leaving you behind. No matter what else happened she loved you boys and would have given her life willingly to protect either one of you. It was for her that I followed you out of that house, only for her.

I lost so much that night. I lost the love of my life and with her my reason for being. So, in order to go on I had to find a new reason. I'm sorry that I chose vengeance. I should have chosen you. I should have lived for you and your brother but all I could see was her face and all I could hear were her screams. I should have taken you boys away and started a new life, a normal life, but that was never meant to be for us.

There are so many things I want to tell you Dean. So many things I should have said to you long ago. I know that your brother thinks that I don't care…that I can only see the hunt…that you don't matter to me, and that's my fault. I wasn't the best Dad to you boys, I know that. I never claimed to be perfect; God knows I would never win Dad of the Year. But, I hope you know, that I did the best I could by you. I gave you all that I had; I'm just sorry there was so little left to give.

I can't believe I never told you how proud I am of you. I should have told you how much I appreciated all of the sacrifices that you have made to keep me going. Maybe you thought I didn't notice but I did. Of the three of us, you were always the strongest Dean…even as a child you were the strongest and best of us. I couldn't help but lean on that strength and I'm sorry for that.

I'm sorry for all the times you comforted me when I should have been taking care of you and your brother. I'm sorry that you had to be the parent to Sammy…you were so much more than just his brother and I know that. I put so much on your little shoulders and you never complained. I can only believe that you got that strength from your mother, it obviously didn't come from me.

She would be so proud of the man you have become. I know that she is in Heaven looking out for us. I know that I should let you go and be with her. She is probably waiting now with open arms for her boy, waiting for the chance to be the mother to you that she was denied in life. I know all of that but still…I can't do it. I can't just let you go like that Dean. I'm sorry, once again, I'm just not strong enough.

Your brother needs you Dean. He's always needed you. But, soon, he's going to face some challenges in life that he isn't prepared for and I'm afraid that he may not make it through them without you. I can't help him with this. He would never let me help him. He's so damn stubborn and independent. You are the only person that he would ever lean on so you have to be here for him.

I know it's not fair of me to make these choices for you but this is the last one I will make. I'm sure, in my heart, that it is the right one. I know what I have to do. This may mean that our battle will be more difficult in the future but if I have to choose between satisfying my vengeance and keeping my son there is no choice. I choose you…always.

Coming this close to losing you for good…it's opened my eyes. Maybe it is time to lay down this burden. Maybe we have done all we can in this fight. I won't risk losing either of you again, it won't bring your mother back, I know that now. Maybe if we get out now…there may just be some hope of keeping your brother safe from everything that is coming.

So, I've asked your brother to bring me the things I need to finish this. One last time, into the depths… one last deal and we will be free. A few more hours and I will be able to look into your eyes again, see you smile that cocky smile of yours again (the one thing I know you got from me), instead of sitting here listening to a machine force air into your lungs while you fight to find your way back. I'm ready now. For the first time in a long time I know what is most important in my life and that is you and your brother.

Dean…just in case this goes wrong…I'm sorry I didn't tell you more… I love you son. I love you and Sammy more than life itself. You two are the only good things in my life and I'm so very sorry that I didn't try harder to make sure you knew it. I promise you that when this is over I am going to change that. I swear to you that I won't let another day pass where you or your brother have cause to doubt that love. Hang in there son… Dad's gonna make this all better, promise.


End file.
